Standing on the Edge
When most people think of a person that is suicidal, they will most likely think that it is a very low moment of weakness. While this in itself is not untrue, there lies a more sinister side to suicidal thoughts. If you take myself for example, you will quickly realize that being suicidal is far different than previously thought. Or maybe you might even be ahead of the game and already know exactly what I’m talking about.
For those of you that don’t know, suicidal thoughts don’t always come and go. Sometimes, when you’re truly unlucky, suicidal thoughts are a constant state of mind. For example, my suicidal thoughts never go away, they have with medication, but when I have them, they are consistent. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep, the thought of killing myself is always there. It is a very unfortunate place to be, however, the silver lining is that I never get to the planning stage. If I ever did get to planning, I know that these thoughts are far more serious than they are normally, and I immediately seek help from my support network.
I always find it funny when people misuse the idea of suicide. What I mean by that is those people that say things like, “My hair looks so bad today, I want to die”. While those kinds of things anger me, I always find them a tad hilarious, because if I were to say the same thing, I would mean it, and nobody would have a clue. They would all just laugh it off, as these misinterpretations are always used comedically. As soon as they become real, people don’t find them funny anymore. I find this disparity rather amusing, but also disturbing. It’s like two things that don’t belong together, but for some odd reason seem to go well together. Like my favorite song, “Bullet” by Hollywood Undead. If you’ve never heard the song, I don’t recommend it, as it can be incredibly triggering. I love it however, the reason being that it sounds like such a happy song, but the lyrics are all about suicide. It’s this juxtaposition of the two contradicting feelings that make the song so great in my own opinion.
If you’re anything like me, and you have suicidal thoughts that don’t cease, then you must recognize for yourself your own tipping point. By that I mean the point in which these thoughts are no longer just thoughts, and have transgressed into some form of action. That is the key to staying alive, until the intensity of the suicidal thoughts decreases.