Slipping Back Into Depression

When you’re dealing with mental health, things often get very difficult right when you’re doing well. It’s funny how cruel and ironic life can be. For me, I’ve been doing incredibly well on my medication. Better than I ever imagined I could. Yet, I’m beginning to feel the grasp of depression tighten once more. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to lead life as I have been the past month. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to be with friends, I don’t even want to write. All of these emotions that I’ve been feeling are starting to be drained out, leaving the grey colored nothingness that I was so accustomed to in their place.

It is truly heartbreaking to watch all the progress I’ve made slowly slip through my fingers like sand. I’ve have felt for the first time in my memory, actually alive. This is a feeling that is very hard to let go. So I’m trying, with everything that I have, just to make it through this rough patch, and let the medicine do it’s work once more. I’ve come to the realization a while back, that there is no way my story plays out with me being off meds. By that, I mean that I am one of the unlucky ones, whose mental illness cannot be managed with alternate means. So, I’m putting all my eggs into the med basket, because it’s one of the only things I have left.

It is really hard to let others know that you’re struggling, that I’m struggling. That’s one of the ways depression stalks its prey, by separating you from your loved ones. It takes away the support network you have spent countless hours building, just so it can have you all to itself. I’m very angry at myself for letting depression worm its way back into my life. I know it’s not my fault, but I like to think that it is. I wasn’t prepared enough for this, I got comfortable being happy and let my guard down. I know that every step backwards I take needs to be followed by two forwards. So even though it may sound like I’m drowning, I’m just sinking to the pool floor to springboard back up. I am sitting in this uncomfortable feeling, and building immunity to it. It is incredibly painful to wallow in my defeat, but I use it as a strategizing session, to figure how I will rise above my depression once more.

I share my story for two reasons. The first being that it is incredibly therapeutic for me to write about my experiences. It helps me get things off my chest that I otherwise would not be able to. Second being to document the journey through my illness, to help others. I want to show that, despite how bad my illness is, and or was, that it does get better. Despite how much I may complain about how I’m starting to slip, there is always an optimism to be found. I want to inspire that optimism in others, so that they do not need to go through it like I have. So if you take anything from this, I hope that it is to keep fighting, no matter what.

Yours,

Wolfgang

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