My Thoughts on Suicide

So, as you all know, I’ve had several attempts at taking my own life. All of which have been unsuccessful, luckily. Yet, even though the medication is really helping now, I can’t help but miss my suicidal ideations. Why, you ask? I know that it’s weird to say that I miss suicidal ideations, because they are the result of a tortured mind. Now that my mind is slowly healing, these thoughts are no longer needed. It’s weird though, living each day without the urge to leap in front of a speeding train, or at least that’s how it felt. I’ve even felt more recently the passive suicidal urges diminishing, which is great and all, I won’t be happy to be diagnosed with cancer anymore. It still is such an odd feeling, somewhat like I’ve been filled with helium, whereas I used to feel like I was filled with rocks.

The reason I bring this up, is because there is something that I must say to you all. Almost unanimously, you will hear that suicide is never an option. I want to challenge that and say that suicide most certainly is an option. Now I’m not saying go kill yourself, definitely do not do that. I am saying that sometimes the pain, physical, mental or emotional, is just too great to bear. That sometimes the quality of life you’re experiencing will not get better. Of course if you asked me several months ago, I would have said I would never get better, and look at me now! Yet, for others, that help will never come, particularly if you’re in an extremely degraded situation.

I don’t like the fact that people claim suicide is never an option. Especially because I don’t think most of them have ever experienced mental illness either themselves or with someone close to them. I feel like they’re telling us not to do something just because it’s something they would never do. I mean, that is what people do all the time so I don’t know why I’m surprised. I’ve been to rock bottom with my depression, like probably would have keeled over naturally if I didn’t start taking care of myself, didn’t shower for months, spoke to almost no one, barely ate or slept, kind of rock bottom. So I know what it’s like to see no more light in life from the bottom of a hole. Believe me, that I thought I would be that way forever, and contemplated suicide every few minutes, every single day. But, here I am, alive and well, after finally finding the perfect trifecta of meds. So, while I say that suicide is an option, it’s never your only option.



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Photo Credit: Unsplash: Brunel Johnson

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1 Response

  1. Lawrence says:

    Well done in tackling a very sensitive subject.
    I agree on most points. One is the fact when we have SMD, we should have the right to die.
    If you want to read my thoughts and article. It’s on “The Righ To Die”
    Peace and serenity

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