My Stubborn Personailty Flaws
I like to believe that I know a lot about myself. Having been in various types of therapy for the past 7 years or so, you learn a lot about yourself. Recently though, I’ve realized that I really only know a lot of bad things about myself. For example, I know that I have many personality flaws that make therapy difficult. I love that my therapist will put up with me being so difficult. Yet, I don’t know a lot about what I like to do, as a hobby or time passing activity. I don’t know what I enjoy about life, I have very little knowledge about what I’m good at. Though if you ask me what is bad about me, I can talk your ear off. I personally have very stubborn negative personality traits. When I say stubborn, I mean that despite knowing all there is to know about these traits, I’ve still been unable to change them.
They often say that changing something about yourself gets exponentially harder the longer the trait has been around. Since I’ve been depressed since I was 10 or 11 years old, these traits that I’ve inherited because of the depression are so deeply imbued in who I am. Despite not knowing who I truly am, I still think that these traits make up a majority of what I display to other people. I mean one of the worst traits I have is that I’m my own worst critic, I’ve even written an article on it (you can read it here). I try to live up to expectations that I set for myself that are way too high. It’s almost like I won’t take into account that I suffer from depression when setting these expectations. I will try to live my life as any healthy person would, like go to the gym, go to work, make meals, do chores, etc. Problem is, that with depression, I normally can’t get all these things done at once. Depression ups the difficulty setting on just about everything. I don’t give myself any slack for the actions that I need to get done. I need to live up the these expectations if I want to be healthy, but it ends up making me feel worse. It’s this cycle of awful that I just get stuck in. As a matter of fact, I notice that a lot of my mental health problems are cyclical, in that they perpetuate themselves one way or another. I wonder if that’s “normal” for people with mental health problems, or maybe I’m just special. Whatever it is, these negative parts of me are very stubborn in that I’m having extreme difficulty surviving the day as well as changing myself.