I Want To Die
Today was a bad day, you know how I know? I’m drinking, and when I say drinking, I mean alcohol, but I’m sure you already knew that. Why is it a bad day you might ask? Well, I have no idea, besides the fact that I hate my job, I am stuck in life, I have chores piling up, I haven’t showered in 2 weeks, I haven’t even brushed my teeth since god knows when…my life is awful. I know that I’ve said that before, and I know that I have a very good life, that most people would kill for, but I really do hate my life. I suppose that is mostly the depression talking, but it has been saying it for so long that I full heartedly believe it. I get up, go to work, get home, and go to sleep…every. Single. Day. I have no variety in my life because almost all my energy is being poured into staying alive. It is only when I drink that I really feel like the shackles of life are being undone. Which may be the reason that alcoholism runs in my family, and why I might end up just being another statistic.
I mean I want to die, so badly and so desperately. I know that’s only the depression creeping into my brain and taking over. Yet, have any of you ever felt that urge to die is more than just being suicidal? I mean, I know when I’m suicidal, but, the way that I hope for death is more than that. It’s almost like I just don’t want to live at all. Living is so difficult for me, even the smallest things are like climbing mountains, I can’t take care of myself, and almost everything that I do, I do to bring me closer to death. I smoke, I drink, I work, I eat, I don’t exercise, my health is steadily declining, and all I can feel is proud that my plan is finally taking effect. I do not fear death, well, I do, but only a painful one. Another reason that I want to die on my own terms, so that I can ensure that it is painless, for me anyways. However, if you were to ask me right now if I want to kill myself, I would say no. 100% I won’t kill myself, yet. I won’t die before my parents.
The last time that I tried to kill myself, I have never felt more pain than when I hugged my parents from the hospital bed after waking up from my overdose. Therefore, I can’t kill myself before my parents die. Plus I am very stubborn, and not the good kind of stubborn, the stupid kind, but it’s kind of funny that it’s my stubbornness that is keeping me alive. Despite the fact that I have something to live for right now, my parents, I know that that reason is going to go away at some point, and that scares me. I know for a fact that if I don’t find another reason to live before my parents die, than I will follow right after.
When I think of the world I live in, all I can see is pain and darkness. I know that there are great things in this world, joy, happiness, and love in this world. Yet, it all is overshadowed by the misery that exists in this world, and that hurts deep to my core. I see all these people running around trying to climb these ladders that they set for themselves, and then once they reach the top it’s almost like they forget the reason they were climbing in the first place. I would love to say that I don’t have a ladder, but I do, and I would destroy my body to be at the top. It’s this feeling that I can’t stand, that makes me not want to live in this world. If you don’t have goals, or something you’re striving towards, or improving yourself in some way, you are looked at as a waste of space. I want so desperately to just survive, because I know my yearning for death is just my depression. However, my definition of survival is just not good enough for the rest of the world, for my friends, for my family. I don’t want to become some welfare queen, I don’t want to have someone else pay for my to exist in this world, but at the same time, I just want to curl up in the corner and ignore everyone and everything for the rest of my life.
So, now I’m wondering if any of you can relate to me, and if you can, I honestly and completely feel bad for you. Living like this is no way to live life. I hope that somehow, I am the only one to live like this, because this existence is just too much to bear.