High High Hopes
So recently I quit my job. While it did pay my bills, it made me very unhappy and negatively impacted my mental health, so it had to go. I actually quit in quite a spectacular cowardly fashion. I nearly had a meltdown in the middle of my job, clocked out for lunch and left the building. I then called my boss later than night and left a message stating that I quit because I was very unhappy. I still, having not received my final paycheck, am unable to directly talk to my boss. I am so scared of what she might have to say to me that I’m even unable to dial the number into my phone. Needless to say, this was a very low point for me, as I’ve never quit a job outright without 2 weeks notice, nor have I quit without another job lined up. I really loved working for the company, but hated my job more than anything, and now I’m barred from any future employment by the company because of how I left. I had really high hopes when I started, because this was my “dream” company, and I’ve wanted to work there forever. Yet, that’s all gone now, and there’s no use crying over spilled milk as they say.
I’ve noticed with me, I usually have very high hopes in life, that instead of propel me forwards, they hold me back. My aspirations are so lofty that I have such incredible anxiety about ever achieving them. I want so many things in my life, really great things, but it always feels so far out of my reach. It really is difficult to explain, yet I hope that I’m not alone in feeling this way. However, with my ECT treatment about 70% to fruition, I have new hopes that I’ll be able to look at my life differently. That I will view my goals not as unobtainable aspirations, but as just plain old goals, that are meant to be achieved. I really am putting everything on this treatment being successful. I know that I shouldn’t go into it seeing it as a cure, or believing that it will fix all my problems. Still, I can’t help but look at it that way, because I am out of options, and am just desperate for this to work. I am just so scared of everything, of life in general, that I feel like I can’t really truly live. What if I never achieve what my heart is set on? What if I never graduate college? What if I can’t find a good job? What if I never meet a significant other? What if my life doesn’t turn out like I hope? Those are only a few of the thoughts that spiral around my head endlessly, and it is torture. I just want for my depression and anxiety to take a break, and let me live my life as it’s intended. That is my hope for ECT treatment. It doesn’t have to be permanent, just long enough for me to get my life in order. I know, another lofty aspiration, but this one really feels like it’s just out of my grasp rather than a million miles away. ECT could really be the boost that I need to close in on my goals, and get some chaos out of my life. I have high hopes for this treatment moving forwards, and I really hope that I won’t be let down.