There are times in my life where it feels like it would be so much easier just to give up. I’ve been fighting for so long, and I’ve put up a good fight, I like to think so at least. Of course by giving up I mean one of two things, depending on my mood that day. Either it’s the obvious, kill myself, because that is the ultimate way of giving up, on life, on everything. Yet, most days, that seems too final to me. I’m still young, there is still so much of life that I haven’t experienced, so much of the world I haven’t explored. So needless to say, killing myself, while tempting, isn’t really an option I consider much these days. The second meaning, would be to let my life fall apart. Stop going to work, stop paying my bills, eventually go bankrupt, stop living really, but stay alive. While this option seems entirely more appealing, it also means that I would have to live with the consequences of these actions. That’s something that I’m not truly prepared for. I want to just survive, live in bed, and spend my time either writing or just getting by. I can hear most of you now saying that living that way isn’t really living at all. Oddly enough I’m inclined to agree with you. However, to me, that surely beats the alternative of trying to build a functional life for myself. That takes untold amounts of effort, planning, and time. None of which I feel I’m able to sufficiently give at this moment. I’ve even done some research into permanent disability for depression. I’ve even gone as far as to suggest this option to my therapist, whom almost immediately shot it down as a non-plausible option. I mean, what am I supposed to do if simply living takes all of my energy? What if I have nothing left to offer the rest of the aspects of my life once I’ve used everything I have just to make it through the day. Depression is a war, of which I feel consistently on the losing side. I don’t know why my mood fluctuates so much. One day I’m on top of the world, and the next all of a sudden I’ve fallen back to the depths of depression. It’s hard enough to live each day, trying to make it through the hurdles that depression offers. I just need one, one single good reason, to keep fighting. I want so badly to give up, to let my life just fall apart. Yet, I don’t want all that I’ve fought for to just disappear. I’ve fought so very hard. I want to keep fighting as much as I want to give up. It just so hard to decide which one is better each day. Today, giving up won, I called out of work and I’m just surviving. We will see what happens tomorrow.