Finding Hope in The Bottom of a Pit

I know that it was foolish of me to think that once I started medication, my life would be drastically different. I figured that once I found the right combo of meds my depression would be almost nonexistent. As you probably could guess, this is not the case. Granted I have significantly more good days than bad days, but it feels like the bad days are so much worse. It feels even more debilitating than my depression without meds. It’s the weirdest thing, I’m glad that I only have one to three bad days a month rather that five to seven a week; but I’m always worried that the meds will lose their effectiveness as all their predecessors have. I fear that these bad days will swallow me up again, because fighting this beast inside me is so difficult every single day.

I know that most of you know how that feels. The endless battle within your own head. It is all consuming, and will take everything you love if you let it. These meds I’m on, they give me the strength to fight this demon every day, but alas, I will run out of stamina eventually. My depression will leap at this chance to reassert its dominance over me. These days are terrible, and very frightening, because after being in my dark hole for so long, I am finally seeing the light. I don’t want to lose that now that I have it, so I’m fighting harder than I ever have.

Not giving up at the slightest sign of resistance is new to me. Failure no longer means start over from square one, it means pick myself up, dust myself off and power through. That mentality might sound like something that should be easy, but it was the hardest step when beginning my recovery. The realization that things have gotten better, and will continue to get better, despite a few bad days, is a wonderful feeling. It’s really the only thing keeping me going on these bad days. I hope that sharing my story gives you hope that your own might start getting better. If not, then I hope for you in your place, because when you’re in the pits of depression, hope is the only light that you have.

Yours,

Wolfgang

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